Posted in Nuts & Bolts, Teens

HALF! Day

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

My oldest son has today off while my younger son has a half-day mid-week.

In the early mothering years, these school-free days were precious gifts of connection.  At mid-life, however, I selfishly view them as invasions of my precious writing time.

At ten-thirty this morning, the 14 year old intruder arrives down the stairs asking for food.

“I’ll make you half a breakfast,” I say, without explaining why.

“Can you drive me to Matt’s after?” he asks, oblivious to anything I say beyond the words, Yes or No.

“I’ll drive you half-way,” I say, working to grab his flickering attention.

“Can I at least call and make plans?”  He asks, deaf to anything I say without the word, “Yes,” and perturbed at the obvious postponement of his urgent need for immediate gratification on simultaneous fronts.

“You can dial HALF the numbers,” I say, finally reaching the tipping point of his receptive ability with the English language.

“Mom! I don’t want to do HALF of anything,” he exclaims, falling into the trap of my brilliantly-crafted coup.

I’ve waited for this moment all morning.

At first, I was just going to hand him a list of all the things he left “half” done:  The recycling by the door (instead of in the car).  The library books at the top of the stairs (instead of by the door.)  The food left out on the counter;  etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc…

But in the hours between my waking and his, I tempered my angst and redirected it toward a more productive outcome than simply venting.

My new and improved plan was to shift the list making to him, requiring that he record all the things he left ‘half” done before I’d meet any of his requests.

However, as the morning hours passed, I realized that my thoughts were still steeped in negativity, and so, I revised my plan of action, again– deciding to place the focus of the list to the tasks that he had completed all the way, once he had done so.

By the time I heard him stirring upstairs, a stroke of parental genius led me to add the “half” twist to my whole presentation– so that when he uttered those slyly extracted words,

“Mom, I don’t want to do HALF of anything,”  I  was prepared with the dramatic delivery of:

“Oh… But you do so many things HALF way!”

I watched as his scowl transformed into a smile, and I knew:

He gets it.

Without another word from me, he turns to take the recycling ALL the way to the car, while I cook him up a FULL breakfast.

Kelly Salasin

To read more on kids & chores, click here.

Posted in Insight, Nuts & Bolts, Teens

The Necessity of Chores

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
~Abigail Van Buren

I’m feeling pretty radical about the necessity of chores these days–both for children and teens–but especially teens.  And not just to establish good habits or to build a work ethic, though those are worthy goals.

What I’m finding most important about chores for teens is the “grounding” aspect of them.

As a Let  Your Yoga Dance instructor, I see much of living in terms of “energy,” and in my experience, it’s the very first chakra that is linked to teens and chores.  The first chakra is described in this way by author/teacher, Anodea Judith:

Located at the base of the spine, the first chakra forms our foundation. It represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies and the physical plane.

You don’t have to be a chakra expert to realize that a sense of grounding and connection is vital during the turbulent expansion of adolescence.

If your teen has a regular chore schedule, then you already know that his participation leads to connection, and that this connection leads to belonging, and that his sense of belonging creates greater harmony in the home.

Teens can be so prickly that many would rather leave them to their own rather than have the hassle around participation.  But I think the hassle is worth it–for both the teen and the family. Better yet, get these chore habits in place before your kids come of age, and then it’s pretty much auto pilot.

(More next time on establishing routines so that chores are hassle free–well, almost.)

To read more on teens and chores, click here.

Posted in Milestone Moments, Teens

Shhh… Part II, Enjoying Parenting My Teen

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

Kelly Salasin

A few years back, when my oldest son approached adolescence, I was delighted and terrified to come upon Anne Lamott’s article, My Son the Stranger.

I cringed when she described “13” as “training wheel adolescence,” and I laughed out loud when I she described her son as, “flamboyantly lazy.”  I loved that she put those two seemingly incongruent words together.  It captures the dichotomy of loving my teen as he enters what Lamott calls, “hard core biker adolescence” (aka. age 14.)

My biker was in true form last week when we made the bi-monthly trip to grocery shop at Trader Joes, almost an hour and a half south of us.  It was a Friday night, and he was disappointed not to spend it with a friend, but happy that we were willing to make some special stops just for him.

At the Goodwill, he studied stereo equipment and picked up two shiny tire rims to adorn his bedroom wall while he dreamed of the real thing. His second request was unusual too: the craft store, to look for Henna tattoos. It seemed a harmless interest so we obliged, but we wanted to get the shopping done first.

He didn’t agree with the timing of our stops and as soon as we set foot in the grocery store, he began a litany of complaints that never let up:  “How long will this take?  I really don’t want to be here.  I’m hungry.  I’m starving.  When can we leave?”

I explained to him that no one really wants to grocery shop, but that we all want to eat.  I explained to him that now was a good time for him to choose items that he would enjoy.  I explained to him that the shopping would go much faster if he stopped complaining. I explained to him that we were in a store filled with food so he could buy something and eat it, rather than be hungry.

My explanations failed to make an impact on his sensibilities and he spun himself into the kind of self-absorbed, my life is hell, fury that only a teen can manage (or perhaps a mother in mid-life.)

By the time we loaded the car with the groceries, my husband and I were spent and angry and confused.  We made the painful decision to head home–despite our promise to go to the craft store and despite the fact that we too had wanted to make some other stops while we were here–including some “family fun” time.

Our son was furious.  He kicked the back seat and made disparaging remarks all the way out of town while his younger brother sobbed beside him.  It was one of those “our family sucks” moments where everything seems hopeless. I tried to keep my mouth shut and keep breathing while encouraging my husband to do the same.

When we got to the highway, I offered some gratitude aloud in an attempt to shift my own defeating mentality,  “I’m happy we got this fun food,”  I started.  “I’m thankful the store had good samples.”

Typically, I initiate and prod a session of gratitude like this, asking each family member to contribute.  This ritual has grown more challenging with a teen,  but this time, I didn’t have to say a word.  As soon as I finished my list, he initiated his own, without being asked.

“I’m thankful for...”  he started.

I can’t even remember what he said because I was so surprised and humbled by his willingness and desire to bridge the divide.

In response to his graceful gesture, I offered my open hand from the front seat to the back, like I had done when he was a boy, knowing that he always refuses it now.  But just I was ready to draw it back, I felt the warmth of his hand in mine.

He held on tightly through the ride, working my fingers with his, until my arm began to tingle and I slowly pulled away.

(To read Part I of Enjoying Parenting my Teen, click here.)