Hey Mom, Look at those cats, my son says, pointing to the front porch of an old apartment building in downtown Brattleboro.
I take a quick look and reach toward his hand to cross the street. We’re rushing to get to a concert.
How many cats do you see? he asks.
Annoyed, I look back and see three.
I thought there were only two, he explains. Because two of them are connected. What ARE they doing, Mom?
I take another look and notice that one is humping another–right there on the steps in broad daylight in front of my 11 year old (and another cat.)
Um… they’re… they’re… mating, I say.
Right there? he asks.
I know, right? I say; and then I yell: “Hey, get a room!” masking my own discomfort.
“Or at least go under the stairs!” my son bellows.
I smile. These kind of open dialogues with my boys make me happy. Sometimes, I’m taken off guard by their questions, but I stay ahead of them by choosing candidness, especially when it’s uncomfortable. I love it when they can hang in there with me instead of clamming up. It’s promising for our future.
That said, things are getting a bit stickier now that my oldest is 16. The other night, he and his dad were commenting on a friend’s unequal relationship; and I blurted out: What do you two know? Maybe she gives him blow jobs every night!
This was risque, even for me, but I wanted to stop them in their tracks. My husband quickly ducked into the bedroom to avoid any follow up, but not so my son. He just as quickly quipped back: That’s really shallow Mom. Maybe he wants more than that. Maybe he’s looking for a commitment.
I was tickled. Look at that. I can’t even embarrass my son any more. He hangs right in there and dishes it back.
I went to sleep that night proud.
And concerned.
Just a few days later, my teenager turned the tables on me when I asked about the dance.
What kind of dancing? I said.
The grind, he answered.
The WHAT? I asked.
You know, the grind.
You?
Everyone Mom.
But not you?
Yes, Mom, me.
Now it was my turn to turn away. I sputtered and flushed and then threatened to send him to the nearest Christian school. It’s all I could think about for the rest of the night.
Look who has the upper hand with openness now, I thought; and look who taught him.
Given the news, I’m not surprised when my ten-year old screams out in the middle of the night.
When I meet him in the hallway, he wraps his arms around my waist, and whispers, “I dreamed of a tornado.”
I hold him tightly without saying a word…
I don’t tell him that he is safe or that tornadoes are rare in the mountains. Instead I stand with him in the face of life’s fragility, in the same way that I would have liked my own parents to do when my own nightmares began.
As Aidan and I embrace in the dark, I think of all those families whose lives have been turned upside down this year by weather; and I stand with them too.
Just over an hour away is the city of Springfield where a tornado swept up the Connecticut River, rivaling the special effects of any blockbuster.
We don’t have television, so my son hasn’t seen those images, but it’s enough to know that people die, even children, at the hands of water and wind and war.
At the 5 Guys in Mystic, an elderly woman tugs on my sleeve while I refill our ketchup. “You have a lovely family… so nice,” she says, and her husband nods in agreement. “You deserve to take a bow, Mom. Right now.” and so I do, right there with my french fries.
It’s moments like these that highlight our family vacations.
~Like when my husband runs into the Subway shop on our way through the town of Salem, asking (on a whim) where we could find all the witch stuff–only to be reminded that we are in CONNECTICUT, not Massachusetts.
~Or the museum volunteer who dashes out of her meeting when she sees our family standing in front of the painting that she simply must tell us about;
~Or the young custodian in the casino who kindly goes out of his way to give my teenager directions to the ice skating rink, and hours later, my son repeats, “I really liked that guy.”
Duerer, visipix.com
Family vacations provide for these kind of touchstones which would easily be overlooked if not for the novelty of being out of place–together. The trips don’t have to be fancy or expensive or even long. We’ve taken 24 hour getaways that hit the spot.
Still, it’s tricky fashioning a trip that pleases a man and a woman, a ten year old and a teenager. Over the years, we’ve found that setting intentions–before making plans–helps create success–for all.
~This winter we knew what we needed most was simply a change of scenery. We also knew that we had neither the energy nor the finances to go very far–though we definitely wanted to head south. We began looking toward something coastal.
Gauguin, visipix.com
~Next we realized that we wanted this trip to provide some kind of “adventure”–some new discovery or experience that we could share together.
~Lastly, we wanted this vacation to offer what we want every vacation to offer–a chance to be incubated as family–away from home and routine and every day distractions.
This last one is a steep order when you’re traveling with teen given their great need for peers; so the deal has to be extra sweet. We accomplished this by finding a location that not only had an aquarium for my 10 year old and an art museum for me and a coastal town for my husband–but also a shopping mall, right near our hotel.
While the last place on earth that I want to go on vacation (or any other day) is the mall, my son feels the same about art museums or days on end without friends. Thus, there is a give and take in our time together that brings balance to the whole.
Schiele, visipix.com
He tolerates a walk through a scenic waterfront town, and we tolerate a deadening maze of airless storefronts for him. Actually, I skipped the mall, but we all went to the art museum because I was covert about it. Chocolate always helps. They were eating M & Ms when they noticed that we pulled up to an art gallery just before lunch.
It’s also important to find something that the entire family enjoys equally as much. For some families, that’s amusement parks; for others, it’s the movies; while for others, it might be camping. For our family–it’s always been food.
The whole point of vacation for us is indulgence, and thus I always book a hotel that includes breakfast so that my kids can pig out on stuff I wouldn’t let them touch on a holiday–basically sugar masquerading as various forms of nourishment.
If we’re on a trip that lasts more than a couple days, I also make sure that we have a room (or an apartment) with at least a refrigerator so that we can eat in one meal a day. This makes it more affordable, especially if lunch is our “out” meal. It also helps ground us into a bit of routine.
We take turns choosing–a seafood place on the water for me, 5 Guys for our teen, pizza at Chuck e Cheeses for my ten year old, Italian for my husband.
As a family, it’s this give and take that makes our vacations (and our lives) work, even if we do have to remind our teenager about this flow of energy from time to time.
I’m touched when he hugs me and tells me that he had a nice vacation. I almost want to take a bow.
“But now, I’m ready for friends,” he adds.
“Yes, I imagine you are,” I say, “And Dad and I desparately need some date time.”
“Okay,” he replies amenably, as our resident child care provider.
This first morning home our small house feels expansive with plenty of room for our separate agendas. We intersect in the kitchen for to delve into the Cracker Barrel leftovers; and then we each head back to do our own thing.
My husband is in bed nursing a sore throat, while my ten year old is playing with his castle. I’m diving into writing and no doubt my teenager is texting friends.
A hum of ease and joy pervades the home and it feels good, even if no one has faced the laundry. I think back to the incubation of our hotel room, which was at times too crowded, but also sweet in the togetherness it provided. Our view was of a wooded lake without a home or human in sight, while the hotel itself was situated across from a strip mall.
Living rurally as we do, it was a treat to suggest to our boys, “Why don’t you head over to the stores and we’ll pick you up on the way to the aquarium.”
I would have preferred the hotel in Newport, right at the sea, but when my sons discovered this one beside a mall AND a Chuck E. Cheese’s, I couldn’t turn them down.
As a parent, watching them soften and delight in each other’s company–and into ours–is the best gift of all.
The Empty Nest Diary 