Category: Fragile Life

Posted in Fragile Life, Insight, Takes a Village, Teens, Underage Drinking & more

Just Say No (More)–a guest post

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

(Blog note: I visited a vineyard when I was home in NJ, and later saw Manager Kevin’s Celli’s post which I shared with my teenage son. Kevin’s transparency is compelling, not only because he runs a winery, but because he lives in a resort community where binge drinking is the norm–for all ages.  Kevin kindly allowed me to reprint his Facebook post here.)

The Feast of February Wine Festival, 2010; Natali Vineyard website

by Kevin Celli, Farm Director at Willow Creek Winery

So Amy Winehouse had no drugs in her system and died from TOO MUCH ALCOHOL at 27 years old! The only good thing is she didn’t kill anyone else by drunk driving or acts of violence during her moments of abuse. Let it be known that I am not a huge Winehouse fan and probably know maybe 2 or 3 songs of hers, but I do know the sad side of alcoholism and my heart goes out to her family and friends who lost someone they love.

Growing up in a family & in a neighborhood where alcoholism runs deep and being exposed to alcohol at a very young age, I have gone through many painful tragic situations in life due to alcohol abuse.  Everything from simple embarrassments of family members (including myself) too many tragic deaths do to alcohol abuse and even a couple friends I will never see again because they just had a “couple” of drinks before they got behind the wheel of an automobile or got on a motor cycle and will never be here to laugh with again…

During my childhood alcohol was everywhere and  I spent my youth, 15-19 years old, trying to pretend to be an adult and drinking 40’s (and anything alcohol we could get a hold of) in the park every weekend and even some school nights. Until a tragic situation in my life took place and I  went of the deep end for a while in an all out campaign of trying to stay NUMB to the world around me.

But I slowly regrouped and became more focused on this gift called life and worked on a healthy future for me and my daughter. I spent ages 23-27 as pretty much a non drinker and developed almost a hatred for those that drank… But then about 5 years ago started drinking again–even harder than ever before–drinking almost every night that I did not have my daughter.

For about 2 years I really thought Jack Daniels was my best friend, but then I realized after about 2 years of being a complete idiot that JD was the complete opposite. I was not only destroying myself but also bringing more heartache to the people that loved me while slowly becoming the man I always swore I would not become.

So in realizing I was no better than any of my family members, friends or associates dealing with any kind of addiction, I slowly started pulling my self together and stopped being so prideful in pretending to be something I was not; and I started accepting that a problem lived within my genes, and I must never forget it.

Now I run a Winery that produces 22,000 bottles of wine a year. When I first started running this business I was a little scared and felt that my alcoholic genes would kick in and I would slowly begin to destroy myself again. But I refused to let that happen and instead became intrigued with the history, beauty in farming a vineyard, the wine making process and the enjoyment of consumption in moderation. Not to mention the healthy benefits that are being proven each day with science.

The amount of love that it takes to make one bottle of wine is overwhelming and I just hope that our generation of the “30” and up crowd understand that we MUST teach our children about alcoholism prevention and the fact that alcohol consumption (in moderation) is not a bad thing, and actually has some healthy benefits; while binge drinking or abusive consumption not only leads to the destruction of your mind, body and soul, but also turns you into someone that is NOT in control of the life around them, which can truly lead to disaster and destruction to other people’s lives as well as their own.

There is a fine line between enjoyment and addiction and as parents we must not teach the slogans of the 80’s by saying “JUST SAY NO!” We need to teach them why and when they should just Say “No” or at least when to say “NO MORE!”

Posted in Fragile Life, Insight, Nuts & Bolts, Takes a Village, Teens, Underage Drinking & more, Wisdom of Youth

The Devil is in the Dichotomy

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)
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ClayOgre, open clip art.com

Though I’ve pestered friends and stormed the internet and rifled through leaflets outside the guidance office, I can’t find anything worthy of my son’s honesty.

We’ve already been clear: No sex, no drugs, no alcohol. Nothing new there. We’ve been talking about it for years.

What’s new is our son. He’s changed. He turned the corner on sophomore year and sprinted into his junior year, and he knew. He wanted to join in. He wanted to drink too. He wanted to get high. (Not everyone is, but his friends are, and he’s missing the fun.)

“Do you want me to hide it?” he asks. “Or do you want me to tell you?”

“I want you to wait,” I say, and he does. Until he says he doesn’t want to anymore.

“I need some time to figure this out,” I say. “How much time do I have?”

He estimates 7 or 8 months, but a few months later, he presses me:

“What are we going to do?” he says. “This is stressing me out. Nothing is changing. You just keep saying wait, and I know I’m not going to.”

I try threats–Military school.

I try thinking outside the box of culture–Moving abroad.

I try diversions–How about a trip to the mall. (I hate the mall so this is a huge concession.)

What I really want is to fast forward to 18 when these decisions are his, as these should be.

“I don’t want to lie to you,” he says. “What am I supposed to do?”

Other parents are of two minds–just say NO (and expect it’s not happening) or just say nothing (and pretend it’s not happening.)

I know this implies that most high schoolers are participating illegally, and of course that’s not true.

“Why can’t you be part of the two-thirds who aren’t using?” I ask.

“There’s no way that’s true,” he smirks.

“Well then, be a part of the 1/3 or even the 10% or even the only one. Be different.”

“I don’t want to be.”

His father and I partied long before we were of age. 300 bars in 1 mile at the Jersey shore (our hometown) kind of lends itself that way. If there were people who weren’t drinking back then, we didn’t know them, and didn’t want to.

Neither of us recall our parents saying anything to us about it–before. Of course, the drinking age was 18 which was a dramatic difference. Seniors could go to a bar at lunch time if they wanted.

21 is so unrealistic, and as a parent I can’t hold the course that long.

“Is it just the legality?” my son asks.

“It’s important,” I say. “No matter what, you’re putting someone at risk–some parents’ home, some kid who is driving.”

He tries to hedge around that, but I don’t let him. There’s no arguing this starkness of this truth.

“I want to be safe,” he says. “That’s why I want to be able to tell you so you can help me.”

Where is he getting this stuff? Online? Where’s my stuff?

“It’s also the other kids,” I say. “Maybe you’ll be smart, but someone else won’t. And then there’s the other kids for whom your choices will set the norm. What about their risks? What about that responsibility?”

He doesn’t have an answer. He looks as defeated as I am. We are sitting on his bed. I reach out and caress his shoulder.

“If I thought alcohol or pot were the answers you were looking for,” I say, “I’d go out and get it for you because I want you to have fun. I want you to experience your wildness.”

“I know,” he says.

When I return to the internet for some kind of support with this conversation, I find two extremes–Be clear with your kids about your expectations; OR when they’re heading toward rehab–encourage them to be candid with you.

What about the in between? What about a son who wants to remain in right relationship with his parents, and yet wants to explore the world in ways in which we can’t legally or logically approve?

The devil is in this dichotomy, and neither my son or I can live with that.

‘What about emancipation?” I say. “Then you can make your own decisions.”

“I’m not ready to be on my own,” he says.

“Then save these decisions for when you are.”

“I still need your support,” he says. “Even with this.”

Kelly Salasin, November 2011

For more on the drug and alcohol issue, click here.

To read more about parenting teens, click here.

Posted in Fragile Life, Tweens

Tornado Hug

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

Given the news, I’m not surprised when my ten-year old screams out in the middle of the night.

When I meet him in the hallway, he wraps his arms around my waist, and whispers, “I dreamed of a tornado.”

I hold him tightly without saying a word…

I don’t tell him that he is safe or that tornadoes are rare in the mountains. Instead I stand  with him in the face of life’s fragility, in the same way that I would have liked my own parents to do when my own nightmares began.

As Aidan and I embrace in the dark, I think of all those families whose lives have been turned upside down this year by weather; and I stand with them too.

Just over an hour away is the city of Springfield where a tornado swept up the Connecticut River, rivaling the special effects of any blockbuster.

We don’t have television, so my son hasn’t seen those images, but it’s enough to know that people die, even children, at the hands of water and wind and war.

Kelly Salasin, June 2011