Posted in Insight, Teens, Underage Drinking & more

Bribery & Punishment & Bears, oh my!

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

It occurs to me that there is one road I have not pursued in relationship to my teenage son’s proclamation that he wants to drink and do drugs: PUNISHMENT.

That probably seems lame. Not lame to punish, but lame that I never thought of punishment as a viable option. I decide to do some research to develop my arsenal, and I am surprised to find that when I search  “best punishments for teens,” there is plenty to mine!

This was not true when I googled ways of talking with a teen who wants to be honest about drinking and drug use.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

It’s said that you can tell a lot about a society by their prison system, but I think this search is just as revealing, as are the names of the sites with punishment tips:

  • Parenting Squad
  • Super Nanny
  • Troubled Teens
  • Teen Boot Camp

People are actually searching for this stuff, like this person who asked:

What is the best punishment for a teenage dad?

On my own blog, a parent suggests that I do drug testing on my son to make certain he’s clean. While another shares that they use motion sensors in their home to keep their teens in at night.

Something’s wrong.

There’s an elephant in the livingroom.

The emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.

Before my search on punishment, I tried bribery; but to my son’s credit, he’s dismissed it. Even a car. (Shocking.)

“I wouldn’t feel right doing that,” he says.

Of course, we’ve simultaneously released every bear we can think of--all the tragic stories of loved ones lost to death or addiction or deadening of dreams.

As a last option, I would use punishment if I thought it would be effective; But then I’d have to spend my days in suspicion in order to catch my son in crime so that I can punish him. That seems like a lousy end to what has been a integrity-full relationship.

So I’m going to keep my eyes there–on integrity; on right relationship–and let that inform the way (though I’m not above mentioning the arsenal of punishments out there or trying a few more times with the car.)

Kelly Salasin, November 2011

for more on teens and underage drinking etc, click here

Posted in Insight, Sexuality

Not Rape, but not right

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

I was 16 when I met Richie at the restaurant on the water where I was a junior hostess and he was a busboy.

Richie was quiet, and soon to be handsome, and two years younger than me so it was safe to flirt and fan his adoration.

He was a summer kid so when September rolled around, he returned to wherever he lived while I remained at the shore and grew up.

A handful of years later, when I was the manager of the restaurant, our paths crossed again.

Richie was big and strong now, still quiet, and definitely handsome, but no longer “too young.”

We were at a gathering one night, circling each other as we drank and laughed with friends. It was a small apartment and so the party spilled into the bedroom which is where I had migrated with him.

One by one people left the room, and soon I found myself alone with Richie, standing in front of each other, as he leaned down for a kiss.

Vallotton/detail, visipix.com

It was our first kiss. And it was weird. Like some kind of time warp. How had we become adults, let alone peers?

But there was something else.

A prickling up my neck.

He was leaning in too hard.

He was too quiet.

Too drunk.

I glanced out into the livingroom and into the kitchen and my stomach tightened. Where had everyone gone?

Richie began driving me toward the bed.

I tried a joke to shift the mood, but the Richie who I knew wasn’t there.

I felt my stomach sour. I knew immediately that if I didn’t think of something fast, I was about to be… raped?

“Not here, let’s go to my place,” I said, hoping to wake him from whatever spell he was under.

It worked.

Richie stumbled out of the apartment into my car and rode with me up town. He climbed the stairs and he got into my bed.

Whoever he had been at the party was gone; and now he was only generous and gentle.

But I felt dirty.

I’d never felt like that before.

Afterward, I slipped on what was once my mother’s silk nightgown, the one my grandmother gave her to wear in the hospital after my birth.

I stepped out onto my small porch and sat down in the rain until it soaked me through.

Richie came out looking for me.

“Is everything okay?” he said.

“I’m fine,” I said, offering what I could of a smile.

25 years have passed since that night, and I can still feel the rain on my skin, and the humiliation in my belly.

~

Do you ever wonder what makes you write something, all of the sudden, that happened long ago? And then you see this CLICK HERE. And you know. We’re all connected.

~

Click here for my blog on women’s voices.

Click here for my blog on women & the mystery.

Posted in Fragile Life, Insight, Takes a Village, Teens, Underage Drinking & more

Just Say No (More)–a guest post

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

(Blog note: I visited a vineyard when I was home in NJ, and later saw Manager Kevin’s Celli’s post which I shared with my teenage son. Kevin’s transparency is compelling, not only because he runs a winery, but because he lives in a resort community where binge drinking is the norm–for all ages.  Kevin kindly allowed me to reprint his Facebook post here.)

The Feast of February Wine Festival, 2010; Natali Vineyard website

by Kevin Celli, Farm Director at Willow Creek Winery

So Amy Winehouse had no drugs in her system and died from TOO MUCH ALCOHOL at 27 years old! The only good thing is she didn’t kill anyone else by drunk driving or acts of violence during her moments of abuse. Let it be known that I am not a huge Winehouse fan and probably know maybe 2 or 3 songs of hers, but I do know the sad side of alcoholism and my heart goes out to her family and friends who lost someone they love.

Growing up in a family & in a neighborhood where alcoholism runs deep and being exposed to alcohol at a very young age, I have gone through many painful tragic situations in life due to alcohol abuse.  Everything from simple embarrassments of family members (including myself) too many tragic deaths do to alcohol abuse and even a couple friends I will never see again because they just had a “couple” of drinks before they got behind the wheel of an automobile or got on a motor cycle and will never be here to laugh with again…

During my childhood alcohol was everywhere and  I spent my youth, 15-19 years old, trying to pretend to be an adult and drinking 40’s (and anything alcohol we could get a hold of) in the park every weekend and even some school nights. Until a tragic situation in my life took place and I  went of the deep end for a while in an all out campaign of trying to stay NUMB to the world around me.

But I slowly regrouped and became more focused on this gift called life and worked on a healthy future for me and my daughter. I spent ages 23-27 as pretty much a non drinker and developed almost a hatred for those that drank… But then about 5 years ago started drinking again–even harder than ever before–drinking almost every night that I did not have my daughter.

For about 2 years I really thought Jack Daniels was my best friend, but then I realized after about 2 years of being a complete idiot that JD was the complete opposite. I was not only destroying myself but also bringing more heartache to the people that loved me while slowly becoming the man I always swore I would not become.

So in realizing I was no better than any of my family members, friends or associates dealing with any kind of addiction, I slowly started pulling my self together and stopped being so prideful in pretending to be something I was not; and I started accepting that a problem lived within my genes, and I must never forget it.

Now I run a Winery that produces 22,000 bottles of wine a year. When I first started running this business I was a little scared and felt that my alcoholic genes would kick in and I would slowly begin to destroy myself again. But I refused to let that happen and instead became intrigued with the history, beauty in farming a vineyard, the wine making process and the enjoyment of consumption in moderation. Not to mention the healthy benefits that are being proven each day with science.

The amount of love that it takes to make one bottle of wine is overwhelming and I just hope that our generation of the “30” and up crowd understand that we MUST teach our children about alcoholism prevention and the fact that alcohol consumption (in moderation) is not a bad thing, and actually has some healthy benefits; while binge drinking or abusive consumption not only leads to the destruction of your mind, body and soul, but also turns you into someone that is NOT in control of the life around them, which can truly lead to disaster and destruction to other people’s lives as well as their own.

There is a fine line between enjoyment and addiction and as parents we must not teach the slogans of the 80’s by saying “JUST SAY NO!” We need to teach them why and when they should just Say “No” or at least when to say “NO MORE!”