Posted in Insight, Teens

Existential Mothering

If a mother gets her hair cut & colored, and no one notices, does she exist?

Kelly Salasin

Yesterday I arrived home with my annual birthday cut & color and no one said a word.  Over dinner, I complained that I didn’t exist.

I noticed,” said my youngest son, “I just thought…” and he made a disgusting face.  His idea of a mother is a stationary object that remains the same.

I like it.  I noticed it right away,” said my husband. “I just didn’t think it was a good time to say anything.

I had berated him when he arrived home from work– an hour late– without our youngest who he had forgotten to pick up from school.

I can’t tell the difference,” my oldest said, and then quickly modified his response when I dramatically explained that my hair had been shoulder length that morning and was now close to my chin!

Well, you just look really good tonight,” he said, “but until you told me, I didn’t know what it was.”

He then added that if I wanted him to “notice” my hair, that I should go to a chop shop, like Super Cuts, where there would be no mistake that my “look” had been altered.

I left the dinner table to  marvel at my new haircut in the bathroom mirror– by myself.

Posted in Holidays, Teens

The Thanksgiving Miracle (a.k.a. the teen who stole Thanksgiving)

A few years ago, our Thanksgiving was completely swiped–the likes of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Only our villian–or should I say, “our hero,” was an unlikely teenage boy.

Here’s the story:

After we got the turkey in the oven that morning, we went for a family walk.  Our reluctant teenager even joined us.  We circled the pond and tested the ice and watched tiny flakes fall from the sky; then crunched our way home through the as the boys threw snow at each other.

Before leaving for my sister’s for pre-Thanksgiving hors d’oeuvres, we prepared our dinner table, only to discover that we didn’t have eight of anything! Worse of all was the realization that there were only 4 forks left from our silverware collection.

In response to this crisis, the reluctant teenager created a new tradition: setting the table in half blues and half greens (placemats and dishes) with matching silver on one side and a pot-luck assortment on the other.

My husband, a strong Virgo, had to leave the room, but our eight-year old was inspired to contribute an interesting tradition of his own:  filling a piñata that he had scored at the second-hand store the day before.

The day was filled with many, many happy moments and a few “mommy dearest” ones–like when I arrived home from sister’s to find that the turkey was done an hour early… while my teenager moved in slow motion to each desperate request for help.

Our youngest shined in this hour of need, asking eagerly, “Is there anything else I can do?”  At 8, he was naturally helpful, relishing in any moment where he could outshine his big brother.  Plus he had a vested interest in the dinner meal as he had peer arriving to join us, while his brother, dejectedly, did not.

In true adolescent fashion, he was sullen during dinner and dramatically opted out of the post-turkey walk with our guests, plugging himself into his ipod and plopping down on the couch instead.  “At least start putting some dishes in the dishwasher,” I called before leaving.  I dreaded coming back to that mess, but the sun was getting low in the sky, and it was now or never to enjoy what was left of this day.

Our guests laughed at my suggestion that our teen begin the clean up, promising that we would all tackle it together when we returned. We enjoyed a nice long walk up MacArthur Road and arrived back home as the sun dropped behind the mountain.

When we walked in the door, I gasped, as if our house had been robbed. I looked around, confused, bewildered, concerned even.  My teenager was no longer on the couch. He was at the sink. I suspected he jumped up just in time to start loading the dishes when he heard us come up the drive.  And yet something was different…

The wood stove was still there in the middle of the room, but everything else… There was absolutely no evidence of our Thanksgiving Party left behind–not in the living room or the dining room or in the sink. In fact, the kitchen was eerily spotless.  Not a dish or a crumb, not a pot or a pan. Nothing but the smell of turkey and a single glass of chardonnay.

Beguiled and giddy, we put our coats back on and headed down to our neighbors for the pumpkin pie and the piñata… while continuing to marveling over what was sure to be forever called, The Thanksgiving Miracle.

Kelly Salasin

(To read more about the suprises of parenting a teen, click here.)

Posted in Insight, Teens

Flu

Rusinol (visipix.com)

I’ve been horizontal for three days–hit hard with a stomach bug.  This morning, when my 14 year old stops in my room to see if he can call a friend, I ask him to  (please) go downstairs and get me an Advil.  And do you know what he says?!

I can’t right now Mom. I’m doing something else.

He can’t right now, he’s doing something else???  Can you believe he had the gall to say that to the woman who conceived him (with difficulty), carried him (with complication) and birthed him (by emergency caesarean)?

What about the first five years of his life when I nursed him through countless colds, bouts of bronchitis, the occasional pneumonia and the incidence of pleurisy? (Who has even heard of that last one!?)

Not to mention, all the rides to school, to friends, to events…

Of course, I could write a book about just WHY he absolutely HAS to get me an Advil the second I ask–and within moments of my TIRADE on that subject, he did just that–and later today he didn’t blink twice when I made another request.

Is this a teenage thing or a boy thing, I wonder?  I’m guessing it’s largely gender based with a teenage twist.

I remember my sister Michelle telling me about the time her head was in the toilet with morning sickness.  Her daughter placed a wet washcloth on her neck, while her son asked her repeatedly if he could play Nintendo.

I had a similar experience this summer when I sliced my finger on a garden slate. Just as I felt myself beginning to pass out (a first for me), I yelled to my boys to get me a homeopathic for trauma upon which my teenager spilled the bottle on the floor.

Instead of just giving me one, he repeatedly asked what he should do with the ones on the floor.  With an ashen face and the room spinning, I tried to give him a look that said, “Is that relevant right now?” but he just kept on asking.

What is it about the male psyche that can make them oblivious to what is going on inside another?  Probably the same thing that makes my husband look at me suggestively when I have barely eaten in three days.

This is the same guy who encouraged me to “send the baby to the Nursery” after our home birth was transferred to the hospital.

“We need our sleep, that’s what it’s there for…” the traitor said before dozing off, leaving me holding our newborn after 8 hours of labor and a c-section to boot.

To be fair, my husband takes good care of me, bringing me tea and apple sauce and crackers.  Hopefully his tenderness will rub off  on my boys by the time they’ve become husbands and fathers themselves.

(How about you?  Do your sons or daughters take good care of you?)