Category: Takes a Village

Posted in Fragile Life, Insight, Takes a Village, Teens, Violence in the home

Rebuttal to Dad Who Used Facebook to “Teach His Daughter a Lesson”

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

When correcting a child, the goal is to apply light, not heat.

~Woodrow Wilson

La Tour, visipix.com

Is it just me or are there others who are equally disheartened by how many people have applauded the dad who shot his teenager’s computer after she used it to bash him on Facebook?  And I’m not just talking about parents of teenagers. Young people think this guy is cool.

Is this really our country? Is old-fashioned humiliation considered heroic parenting? Are we seriously claiming that intimidation is an expression of love?

I’m sorry, but this particularly obnoxious teenage apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  You don’t teach someone respect; they learn it.

To be honest, I haven’t read this troubled girl’s Facebook post or her father’s outrageous videotaped response–because I know it would only outrage me further; and what concerns me is not one misguided parent, but all those who applaud him.

Have we become a country that is so afraid of our teenagers that we celebrate their alienation? Do we have so much shame about own youthful abandon that we need punish someone for absolution? Or have teenagers become the scapegoat for our disillusionment with ourselves and this country?

Recently a colleague bemoaned American parenting when she read that French toddlers were capable of sitting at a dinner table for over an hour; while American children demand immediate gratification.

This isn’t about AMERICAN CHILDREN, THIS IS ABOUT AMERICAN CULTURE!

MIRROR, MIRROR, on the wall…

Kelly Salasin, February 2012

Part II. Would Father Have Used Facebook and a Gun to Teach his SON a Lesson?

Part III. Dear Mr. Jordan & Other Parents Frustrated with Teens & Chores

Part IV. Father Who Used FB to Teach His Daughter A Lesson: A Human Rights Issue

Part V. Parenting Without Power (or a gun)

Posted in Insight, Mid-Life Mama, Sexuality, Takes a Village, Teens, Underage Drinking & more

On Privacy

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)
Vincent van Gogh, vispix.com

“Will my kids be safe?” a friend asks about beginning to blog.

I consider the age of her children. “I think the greater threat to children is not speaking up,” I say.

Yesterday, I read a piece on the Huffington Post by a highschool classmate of my son’s.  Margaret addressed our culture’s current obsession with “sharing.” Her point was well made, but I’m happy to see the pendulum shift away from secrecy. No doubt discretion is needed as this clear-headed writer suggests, but I think this rocking into the openness is a necessary step.

I grew up in an alcoholic family where the drinking wasn’t kept secret. My father told me that my mother had a disease. We talked about–what it looked like; what we could or couldn’t do to help. My father was the only one who would talk about it.

When someone got seriously sick, we talked about that too; and when the neighbor’s teenage daughter attempted suicide, my dad told me how; because I asked. As a physician, he had been the first on the scene.

My father also sat me down to talk to me about cigarettes–told me that he and my mother hadn’t known of their risks when they started smoking. He said that I could smoke. At home. In front of him. I would pester my mother for puffs, but I never started, though she died from never stopping.

I talk to my own sons in this same candid way–as things come up, or when they ask, or when I can tell the time is right. I include that which my father left out–sexuality.

Once I became a teenager myself, my father stopped talking, at least about the gritty things that I was facing in my day to day:

My mother’s  depression.

My emerging sexuality.

My exposure to alcohol and drugs.

Maybe he didn’t know how.

It’s not surprising. Most parents don’t.  How would we know?

Which is why I blog about the conversations I have with my boys. As a lifelong educator and writer and a life lover, I want others to have an example of what an uncomfortable or solution-less real-life conversation with a teenager looks like.

And I want to hear back from my friends and readers; because parenting a teen is life-defining work, and working on it in the dark isn’t nearly as rich as stretching it out in the light together.

So my opinion is that privacy is over-rated. I prefer transparency. For not only does that allow others to learn or differentiate or improve upon what is offered, it also releases the drama of “story.”

For what is essential can’t be taken away from us by sharing. Our being-ness doesn’t get robbed on a blog.  Our life’s details and woes are simply garments.

Does that mean that I think everyone should strip themselves of story for others? No. Not unless that’s your calling.

There is a conundrum however in that calling–in that the fibers of my own drama are intimately woven into the stories of those who are closest to me–like my sons; and those who grew old with me–like my friends and siblings; and those who loved me first–like my parents and aunts and uncles and boyfriends.

They may not want to disrobe with me, no matter how far apart our threads have become.

Which brings me to a line my late grandfather used to say, “When it’s your time, it’s your time; but what if it’s the pilot’s time?”

Kelly Salasin, last day of November, 2011

Posted in Fragile Life, Insight, Takes a Village, Teens, Underage Drinking & more

Just Say No (More)–a guest post

Posted on by Kelly (of rituals)

(Blog note: I visited a vineyard when I was home in NJ, and later saw Manager Kevin’s Celli’s post which I shared with my teenage son. Kevin’s transparency is compelling, not only because he runs a winery, but because he lives in a resort community where binge drinking is the norm–for all ages.  Kevin kindly allowed me to reprint his Facebook post here.)

The Feast of February Wine Festival, 2010; Natali Vineyard website

by Kevin Celli, Farm Director at Willow Creek Winery

So Amy Winehouse had no drugs in her system and died from TOO MUCH ALCOHOL at 27 years old! The only good thing is she didn’t kill anyone else by drunk driving or acts of violence during her moments of abuse. Let it be known that I am not a huge Winehouse fan and probably know maybe 2 or 3 songs of hers, but I do know the sad side of alcoholism and my heart goes out to her family and friends who lost someone they love.

Growing up in a family & in a neighborhood where alcoholism runs deep and being exposed to alcohol at a very young age, I have gone through many painful tragic situations in life due to alcohol abuse.  Everything from simple embarrassments of family members (including myself) too many tragic deaths do to alcohol abuse and even a couple friends I will never see again because they just had a “couple” of drinks before they got behind the wheel of an automobile or got on a motor cycle and will never be here to laugh with again…

During my childhood alcohol was everywhere and  I spent my youth, 15-19 years old, trying to pretend to be an adult and drinking 40’s (and anything alcohol we could get a hold of) in the park every weekend and even some school nights. Until a tragic situation in my life took place and I  went of the deep end for a while in an all out campaign of trying to stay NUMB to the world around me.

But I slowly regrouped and became more focused on this gift called life and worked on a healthy future for me and my daughter. I spent ages 23-27 as pretty much a non drinker and developed almost a hatred for those that drank… But then about 5 years ago started drinking again–even harder than ever before–drinking almost every night that I did not have my daughter.

For about 2 years I really thought Jack Daniels was my best friend, but then I realized after about 2 years of being a complete idiot that JD was the complete opposite. I was not only destroying myself but also bringing more heartache to the people that loved me while slowly becoming the man I always swore I would not become.

So in realizing I was no better than any of my family members, friends or associates dealing with any kind of addiction, I slowly started pulling my self together and stopped being so prideful in pretending to be something I was not; and I started accepting that a problem lived within my genes, and I must never forget it.

Now I run a Winery that produces 22,000 bottles of wine a year. When I first started running this business I was a little scared and felt that my alcoholic genes would kick in and I would slowly begin to destroy myself again. But I refused to let that happen and instead became intrigued with the history, beauty in farming a vineyard, the wine making process and the enjoyment of consumption in moderation. Not to mention the healthy benefits that are being proven each day with science.

The amount of love that it takes to make one bottle of wine is overwhelming and I just hope that our generation of the “30” and up crowd understand that we MUST teach our children about alcoholism prevention and the fact that alcohol consumption (in moderation) is not a bad thing, and actually has some healthy benefits; while binge drinking or abusive consumption not only leads to the destruction of your mind, body and soul, but also turns you into someone that is NOT in control of the life around them, which can truly lead to disaster and destruction to other people’s lives as well as their own.

There is a fine line between enjoyment and addiction and as parents we must not teach the slogans of the 80’s by saying “JUST SAY NO!” We need to teach them why and when they should just Say “No” or at least when to say “NO MORE!”