I hear lots of talk about boys and pornography and the “naturalness” of curiosity. I like “natural” things. But I’m not sure that sex on the internet or in a magazine constitutes “natural.”
It’s a funny thing for a “mother” to say, but I want my son to enjoy sex. I really do. How could I not want him to embrace the pure pleasure of love making?
But I think the use of pornography interrupts the “organic” process of his sexuality. It installs “ideas” of sex before the “real” thing can naturally unfold–forever corrupting his experience.
Forever is a strong word. But I have proof. I myself followed my “natural” teen curiosity to places like Penthouse and Playboy. (Thanks to uncles and fathers and bathroom reading and piles under beds.)
I didn’t understand the attraction to photo spreads of a woman’s spread, but I did like the stories. No, not the “articles,” but the erotic letter column. And they drove me to place “story” above “presence” when it came to my own unfolding sexuality.
It took years, 20 to be exact, before that artificial fertilizer was chelated from the garden of my lovemaking.
I can’t imagine what it takes to chelate what is available now on the Internet. And I can only imagine how far the toxins spread–deep into the well waters of our birthright.
I give my sister credit for describing sexuality as “organic.” We were talking about teens and porn, and she said that it was important for young people to find their own way to sexual expression rather than have it defined on the outside–a cart before the horse kind of thing.
“Later, it can be used it to spice things up,” she suggested.
But I don’t agree. I think “artifical” is always “artificial.” It doesn’t stem from the clear waters of presence or love, or the witness to beauty and the creativity that swells from pure desire.
I know more than one grown man who was forced to yank himself away from the addiction of pornography. (Wives whisper these secrets to each other.)
“Like any delight, it’s a slippery slope,” I say to my son, referring to life’s pleasures: sex, alcohol, food, drugs, money. Just a blink of an eye and what you were using for delight begins to use you. “Everyone is tempted by what’s available on the Internet,” I tell him. “Even moms.”
I’ve been talking to my son about porn since he was eleven–when access to the Web trickled into his life. But recently, as he approaches 15 and we rise from dial-up to DSL, I took the conversation a step further.
I’d rather you have
real sex
with a real girl
than use pornography.
This statement was a shock to both of us–as I have long claimed (somewhat seriously) that my son couldn’t date until he’s 18.
But that’s how important the gift of his sexuality is–that I’d rather he express it prematurely, then feed it artificially (though I still hope he waits as long as possible to insure the fullest expression of his desire.)
So join me, will you, in keeping sex organic–not just for our teen sons and daughters, but for ourselves and our spirits and the “natural” gift of making love.
(Link to my marriage blog and its sister post: Organic Love.)
The Empty Nest Diary 
I have often asked myself what authentic genuine sexual expression would even be like. I am in pursuit of more of this experience for myself and when appropriate, for my sons. I was so glad to come across your site when I googled “organic sexual expression”. I’m also a sex addiction therapist with a great interest in resources for treatement and prevention.
THANKS!
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Certainly. Absolutely. Correctly. This article encapsulated what sex should be. Human and Un- commercialized. This is a really a must-read for young adults like me and I would personally love a man who knows how to please a woman through a hands-on experience rather than what he learns and/or sees in the internet.
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This is beautifully-stated. My husband and I were both “the first” for each other, and discovering sex together was an incredible experience – bonding, and frankly, a whole lot of fun. The idea that men should be experienced lovers is a widely-accepted cultural norm, but is it true that this is what women want? There is something deeply moving about knowing that your man isn’t thinking of anyone else, or any other experience, when you are with him.
As for porn “spicing things up,” I’ll be the first one to stand against that big ‘ol lie. The day I walked in to find my husband watching porn was anything but spicy. It was heartbreaking, and as a new mother, it was utterly destructive to my self-image and our marriage. It took a long time to “get over” it. There are still times that I have to remake that choice to forgive him and move on. Why would it be considered exciting to invite some plastic, airbrushed, fake woman into your sex life? I don’t want my sex life spiced up because my husband has someone else to fantasize about, which is apparently so much more exciting than actually having sex with me.
As you mentioned, there are many men who struggle against addiction to porn, hiding their little secret from the people they love. It ain’t pretty; it ain’t fun; and it does destroy relationships.
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Thanks for sharing such a tender response Sarah, and my best in your endeavors to keep your love organic. As someone who’s been married for 20+ years, I find that time by myself and then time together–away from home/kids/responsibilities is the best aphrodisiac.
I write more on marriage and sex here: http://themarriagejourney.wordpress.com/category/sexuality/
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Thanks for this post!
I use the term “organic” in this sense too: I refer to my boyfriend as Mr. Organic Lover Man, since he is, at age 27, one of the incredibly rare men left in his age group who hasn’t had their minds skewed by the artificial world of internet sex. This occurred simply because he grew up virtually his entire life without an internet connection (and I have to wonder how much of this was the result of his parents worrying about online porn, though that was never the reason they gave). He’s basically an internet Luddite — the great sex was an unintended side-effect.
So there’s something that might make your son take notice. My non-porn-polluted boyfriend is easily the best lover I have ever had, and he has had that reaction from every girl he’s slept with. He’s had women clamoring over him his entire sexual life, and they’re always amazed at both his knowledge of what actually feels good to a woman AND at the lack of requests for porn-style sex. So there’s a good argument for your son: staying away from porn will make him not only better in bed, but a rarity among his peers, so he’ll have his choice among the ladies if he stays “organic”!
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thanks kryptogal,
i did share this with my son!
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what was your son’s response? its so hard–I don’t have a boy, but still have concerns about all the boys out there who will approach my daughter with a bank vault of imagery and “experience” and expectations formed by folks who only want to make a buck…
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lisa, i like how you define the source of the influence: by those “who only want to make a buck”
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hmmm… interesting… i’ve been thinking of my pesticide analogy and it’s really fertilizer that’s more in line with what i mean; time to edit; thanks for fertilizing my thought
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even fertilizing comes in all shapes & sizes: hydroponic, aeroponic, organic, pesticide laden… Just saying. We must be careful w/ our words (just got into ‘the four agreements’ this am, have you read? Thought of you).
and well, our world is so unnatural really, communicating via internet, is not natural, the internet is not natural, well maybe to the aliens. Or maybe to what we are heading for next (pure light is my hope)… Therefor sex on the internet not natural, though what about burlesque? I enjoy it, though I feel it’s another time & spaces ‘internet porn’… On another note, a harm reduction note, getting to your friday night chocolate orgy, are you familar w/
andrew weil’s ‘from chocolate to morphine’, it’s a book for kids probably great for lloyd @ this age… Much love, heading out for a juicy night in sfo, will post no more re: that!!!
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the jury is not in yet on how I feel about this topic, though I enjoyed reading your perspective… & though I have no kiddos, so glad your are addressing yours w/ this. I too read some of those mags as I child (& it’s likely we flipped through the same pages), though no one spoke to us (@least in our home re:). Our household was pretty puritanical on the entire sex ‘issue’…
I enjoyed your ‘pesticide’ analogy, though I must say there are ‘natural’ ‘pesticides’… & by no means do I suggest that childre & porn meet… Though when educating we ought to do our best @ not impossing our opinion, rather offering information to those gathering it so they may make the best, healthy & informed choices possible w/o being stiffled (sp?).
again, not advocating for porn, though voirism (sp?) is natural (for some, it may not be my/your thing)… It, gay, lesbian, staight, group, open… Sex has been part of human culture for time unknown….
thanks for writing, you continue to inspire. Blessings.
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